We have been trying to conceive for three years, so when we finally got our positive pregnancy test we were filled with so much joy!! I'll never forget the excitement of hearing his heartbeat for the first time, seeing his face on the sonogram, feeling him kick and move around in my tummy. It was a dream pregnancy. Not a single problem, no morning sickness, everything was how I always dreamed it would be. My baby shower was January 17th, and it was so amazing! The next day we set up his nursery and put all his clothes away, it was just right. The next week, I was having some cramping and I had not felt him move for a few hours, so I called my doctor and he said to go to the hospital right away. They did an ultrasound and had trouble finding his heartbeat but it was there! That was the scariest moment, or so I thought. They sent me home and told me I was having ligament pain from my stomach stretching, which didn't sit right with me.. They also told me my wbc was very high, and that j needed to follow up with my doctor. The next morning I went to the doctor and it was even higher, I was admitted into the emergency room January 26th and they wanted to keep me overnight. The morning of January 27th I knew something was wrong... This pain wasn't right! The doctor told me I needed to get my blood pressure down because this was bad for the baby.... So he gave me a light pain medicine. He then tried to calm me by letting me hear Anthony's heartbeat and we heard nothing. The panic in my doctors face, the pain he saw in my eyes... I didn't want him to say it but he had to... He said there's no heartbeat.. I'm so sorry. I was moved into labor and delivery where I had to endure 7 hours of labor.. The feeling of him coming out of me was like no other, I was praying to hear his cry, but the room was silent. They cleaned him up and laid him on my chest... All I could hear was my scream. I wanted my child to move, fuss anything but instead I caressed his lifeless body. I memorized every single line on his body. He was born sleeping at only 27 weeks, he weighed 1lb 9oz... He was so perfect. We stayed in the room with him for 6 hours and the whole family came to hold him. It was the most bitter sweet moment of my life. We then had to say goodbye and that was the hardest part... To leave your child. I laid in bed for a week, and then my husband went to the funeral home to pick up his urn... This gave me some comfort... I felt he was back with me in some way. I was never given a reason as to what happened, that hurts me so deeply... Since that day a part of me is missing... There is no salty or sweet foods, it's just bitter... There are no colors, it's just gray, there are no smiles, just tears... This was never supposed to happen... My child should be at home in his crib with me and his daddy, not in the arms of Jesus. Here are the only two pictures I have of my handsome son, Anthony Michael Rollins.
-- I so wish I had more, I just didn't think to take more pictures :/